I Am Angry

By now I am sure you have heard that another prominent minister has fallen. Tullian Tchividjian, grandson of Billy Graham, has resigned as pastor of Coral Ridge Presbyterian Church because both he and his wife have had affairs. Tullian has had great success as a writer and speaker not just because he is Billy Graham’s grandson, but because he is himself gifted and anointed by God.

I am angry at Tullian for being so selfish and so weak in self discipline. Like other high profile ministers, he has brought shame upon himself, his family, and the church he was called to serve. I am ashamed that his personal sin will have a ripple effect and cause harm to so many. I am sad that his aging grandfather has to endure such pain. I am angry.

I am also angry at myself. I know that I am just as capable of falling into sin as Tullian. There lurks within my heart the same sin nature that I have fought all of my life. I know the power and pull of the dark side and I thank God for the many times I have escaped what others have not. I have prayed for years, “Lord, please let me die before I bring shame upon myself, my family, and your church.” (I’ve also told folks, “If I die suddenly, don’t think,” ‘I wonder what sin Richard was going to commit?’”)

Back to Tullian Tchividijan. I wonder if he ever watched one of my favorite movies, THE APOSTLE, staring Robert Duvall. Sonny Dewey, (Duvall’s character), is an energetic Pentecostal preacher leading a large ministry in Texas. When he discovers that his wife is having an affair with another minister on his staff, he kills his wife’s lover with a baseball bat. He is then forced to flee and resumes, anonymously, a ministry in a rural community where he tries to make sense of where sin has led him.

Early in the film, after discovering his wife’s affair, Sonny goes to God in prayer. It’s a stormy night and he’s pacing back and forth in his room raising his voice as he speaks to the Lord. Conveying his pain and anger to God he cries out:

“Somebody, I say, somebody has taken my wife; they’ve stolen my church! That’s
the temple I built for you! I’m gonna yell at you cause I’m mad at you! I can’t take
it.

Give me a sign or somethin.’ Blow this pain out of me. Give it to me tonight, Lord
God, Jehovah. If you won’t give me back my wife, give me peace. Give it to me,
give it to me, give it to me. Give me peace. Give me peace.

I don’t know who’s been foolin’ with me, you or the Devil. I don’t know. And I won’t
even bring the human into this—he’s just a mutt—so I’m not even gonna bring him
into it.

But I’m confused. I’m mad. I love you, Lord, Lord, I love you, but I’m mad at you. I am
mad at you!

So deliver me tonight, Lord. What should I do? Now tell me. Should I lay hands on
myself? What should I do? I know I’m a sinner and once in a while a womanizer,
but I’m your servant!

Ever since I was a little boy and you brought me back from the dead, I’m your
servant! What should I do? Tell me. I’ve always called you Jesus; you’ve always
called me Sonny. What should I do Jesus? This is Sonny talkin’ now.”

“But I’m your servant!” That’s what I remember most about this movie. Sin had done it’s work in Sonny’s life but he never lost his core identity. He was still a servant of the Lord, knocked down but not knocked out. Our only hope is that the God who is writing our story knows how to bring good out of terrible situations. This was Sonny’s prayer. This is Tullian’s prayer. And, it is certainly my prayer.

We ministers need the faithful prayer support of those who love us and support us. We are under constant attack, both inside and out. We know this is a battle we’ll fight until the very end. We can’t fight alone. Remember that. We can’t fight alone. Remember this too; when we fall, many will fall with us and you could be partially to blame.

Richard Hipps

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